Chase was selected to compete in his elementary school’s spelling bee this year! This is a pretty big honor! The competition is for 4th-6th grade and in Chase’s school 4th – 6th grade consists of about 200 students. Only 23 kids were selected to compete…so it’s a huge honor just to be included in the competition. Chase is an excellent speller(sp?)…unlike his Dad. Understanding the struggles Chase has with his dyslexia makes his accomplishments in this area even more commendable.
So, after several weeks of preparation the big day arrived this morning. Everyone got up early and we had a big breakfast…and after several reassurances and “just do your best and have fun,” speeches, it was off to school.
The competition started promptly at 9am and Rachel, Emma, and I arrived at about 10 minutes ‘till. We entered the cafeteria to see that the administration had reserved two tables in the middle of the cafeteria for parents to sit. Chase and the rest of the competitors were already seated on the stage. Chase waved to us when he saw us and smiled…visibly confident and at ease in his surroundings…he predicted his victory to me earlier that morning. I was feeling pretty good for him…small crowd of about eight parents in attendance…no pressure!
Then over the school intercom came the voice of the principle. “At this time we would like to release all the 4th through 6th grade classes to come to the cafeteria for the Spelling Bee.” “Oh Crap,” I said to myself…at which point all the parents turned to look at me. I looked back and said, “Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud?”
As the 200 plus kids filed their way into the Cafeteria soon the place was packed! Chase’s eyes were the size of baseballs! He looked out at me, slowly scanned over the crowd and then back to me as if to say exactly what I said, “Oh Crap!” – Although, unlike me, I’m pretty sure he kept his inner-dialogue intact. I immediately started praying, “Dear God, please calm him and just let this be a good experience for him…and PLEASE just let him get at least one word right! Amen. Oh…and PLEASE don’t let him throw up! Amen.”
The moderator went through a brief explanation of the rules…after being given the word to spell the competitor was to repeat the word, spell the word, and then repeat the word again. Get it right and you take your seat and wait for the next round – get it wrong and you were to go sit on the steps at the front of the stage. The stage had literally been set - and the first competitor was called. Chase was number seven.
One-by-one the first six kids approached the microphone and the moderator gave them their words. So far, the words for the first round were really simple… “Goal” “boat” “palm”, etc. – Chase would knock these out of the park! The night before he was spelling words like “gregarious” “assimilation” “investigation” and all sorts of other words that I could hardly pronounce, with total ease. I was feeling much more confident! He was going to nail round one!
“Number seven,” the moderator called. Chase slowly rose to his feet and approached the microphone with his entire universe watching. Rachel and I held our breath for the word while Emma picked her nose. “The word,” the moderator said, “is ‘slave’.” Whew! You have gotta be kidding me! This was like asking Michael Jordan to dribble with his left hand! What a relief! Easy one! Chase put his mouth to the microphone and said in a confident voice, “Slave, S-A-, uhh, wait, S-L-A-V-E, slave.” Alright! High fives all around! Round 1 in the bag…thank you Jesus!
Chase looked to the moderator for easy confirmation before returning to his seat…and in what seemed like Matrix-slow-motion, she paused, put her hand over the microphone and leaned towards the judges table for some kind of discussion. “They must be discussing how they should just move Chase right on through to the finals,” I thought, “They have probably never heard a fourth grader spell ‘slave’ with such confidence and poise.” Then she removed her hand, turned to Chase, and explained, “I’m sorry, but competitors are not allowed to begin spelling the word over again once they start…that spelling is incorrect.” And the world stopped! There was an audible exhale and “awww” from the previously quiet crowd. Chase was visibly devastated. He bowed his head and tapped it against the microphone in defeat. Then he was instructed to take his place on the steps as the first competitor to misspell a word.
With bowed head and slumped shoulders he made what must have seemed to be a 20 mile walk across the stage to the first seat on the steps. Not only did he not get past the first round…he was the first one out of the competition…by misspelling a very easy word. He slumped down on the steps of the stage and looked out into the crowd. He didn’t even look in our direction. It must have seemed like the entire world was looking at him and either laughing or shaking their heads in disappointment. With that he simply put his head in his hands and tried hard not to cry – but it didn’t work – the tears came. As he sat there quietly crying he hardly noticed that competitor number 9 (a sixth grader) made the exact same mistake as Chase and quickly sat next to him. Number 9 was very sweet. He noticed Chase upset and leaned over to console him, telling Chase that he had made the exact same mistake. It didn’t seem to matter. Chase was hurting. And so were we.
You have to understand – this was a big deal to Chase! He doesn’t often get the chance to compete in things like this. Hannah had just done extremely well in a similar competition the week before, and he was anxious to do well too. Heck, he was planning on winning the whole thing! Our hearts were broken for him. I felt like I just got kicked in the stomach. The parental instinct almost took over and I was a moment away from walking up to the stage to pull him to the side to give him a hug and reassure him - to shelter him from this pain and humiliation – but I could do nothing – that would have only embarrassed him more. He had to go through this alone. He had to hurt alone. And I had to watch. It was a terrible feeling.
One-by-one the remaining competitors approached the microphone, and one-by-one they either returned to their seats or joined the group on the steps. Chase listened and we listened to competitor after competitor misspell words that Chase could spell backwards and forwards with little effort. I started rehearsing my “Dad speech” in my head – thinking of all the things I would say to him to put this in the proper perspective and make him feel better. “Its an honor just to be in the competition…you were just nervous…next year you will do better because you will know what to expect…several kids made the same mistake you did…number 9 did the same thing and he’s a sixth grader.” But as I watched him it became clear to me that no matter what eloquent words I would be able to muster – this was going to hurt him for a while. And in that moment, I must admit, I was a little angry with God. “Would it really have been that big a deal for God to grant that simple prayer” I thought? “I mean, COME ON…he’s a kid…at least let him get out of the first round!” “At least don’t let him be the FIRST ONE OUT!” This dialogue went on and on in my head for several minutes and even as I sat to write this I was still a little angry.
However, several hours later, after I have become quiet, I can hear God whispering. I don’t know how or why God works the way He does in our lives. I sometimes wish I did. I know there are people out there with real pain and with real questions – I have them often myself. But there is no single magical scripture that takes away all of our pain or completely explains our circumstance – whether it’s a spelling bee, emotional pain, health needs, or any other trial in our lives– God doesn’t promise us an explanation for every hurt and disappointment. He just doesn’t. In His wisdom, that’s the way He wants it. He also doesn’t promise us that our lives will be without pain. However, He does promise in these situations that He loves us (1 John 4:19), He will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5), and that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him”(Romans 8:28). How much more can we really ask for?
I can look back on my life and see where He has been faithful to those promises time and time again. I can reflect on times when it seemed like I had it all figured out and He, in His divine wisdom, had a different plan. Sometimes when my plans didn’t match His and He chose to move my life in a different direction the immediate result was painful - sometimes humiliating. But in hindsight, He was always right and always right on time in my life. I can now see where He was pruning me for something bigger with those experiences – perhaps preparing me to help someone else cope with a similar circumstance, or just allowing me to grow. Sometimes, He was lovingly disciplining me. And with growth and discipline, sometimes comes pain. But that pain is nothing compared to the pain that it took to ransom me from my sinful nature. I sat there and watched Chase in pain and could do nothing and it was killing me. In retrospect, it offers me some slight insight. The pain I felt today watching Chase suffer is an insignificant, microscopic fraction of the terrible pain God must have felt watching his own Son suffer - on a cross for an undeserving and ungrateful people - for me.
Towards the end of the competition Chase began to sit up straighter and observe. He stopped crying and surely felt comfort in knowing that he was not alone – there is, after all, only one winner in a spelling bee. I find that I take comfort in that same idea when I face trouble in my life. If I can just force myself to trust God and to look up from my pain and self-pity long enough I will see that I’m not alone – He is always there! And He has blessed me with the lives of people who care for me, and I know that they are always there for me too – no matter what. And I can be confident that He will always give me the strength I need to just keep going – to just take that next step – sometimes that’s all we can do.
After the winner was crowned and the spelling bee was over I got to give Chase the hug I wanted to rush the stage to give him earlier – and yes, I got to give him the “Dad speech” I had rehearsed. But outside of being disappointed and embarrassed he was already bouncing back. He’s a resilient kid! He was still hurting, and he may for a while, but I could see his smile beyond the pain a bit.
I don’t know what lessons God has in store for Chase during his life and what He will teach Chase from this experience. I could make some pretty good guesses. But there’s something else I have to come to grips with – and that’s the fact that Chase isn’t mine any longer - he’s a child of God. I pray that God will give me a long life with Chase and bless me with opportunities to guide him throughout days like today, but I also have to realize that God has a plan for Chase – and sometimes, I must tearfully learn to get out of the way. That’s a hard, hard lesson for me. But at the same time comforting to know that the same God who has taken such wise and great care of me in my life is doing the same with my son – in His time and in His place.
Who knew a Spelling Bee could be so educational? Chase was the one on stage today, but we both learned some valuable lessons.
So, after several weeks of preparation the big day arrived this morning. Everyone got up early and we had a big breakfast…and after several reassurances and “just do your best and have fun,” speeches, it was off to school.
The competition started promptly at 9am and Rachel, Emma, and I arrived at about 10 minutes ‘till. We entered the cafeteria to see that the administration had reserved two tables in the middle of the cafeteria for parents to sit. Chase and the rest of the competitors were already seated on the stage. Chase waved to us when he saw us and smiled…visibly confident and at ease in his surroundings…he predicted his victory to me earlier that morning. I was feeling pretty good for him…small crowd of about eight parents in attendance…no pressure!
Then over the school intercom came the voice of the principle. “At this time we would like to release all the 4th through 6th grade classes to come to the cafeteria for the Spelling Bee.” “Oh Crap,” I said to myself…at which point all the parents turned to look at me. I looked back and said, “Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud?”
As the 200 plus kids filed their way into the Cafeteria soon the place was packed! Chase’s eyes were the size of baseballs! He looked out at me, slowly scanned over the crowd and then back to me as if to say exactly what I said, “Oh Crap!” – Although, unlike me, I’m pretty sure he kept his inner-dialogue intact. I immediately started praying, “Dear God, please calm him and just let this be a good experience for him…and PLEASE just let him get at least one word right! Amen. Oh…and PLEASE don’t let him throw up! Amen.”
The moderator went through a brief explanation of the rules…after being given the word to spell the competitor was to repeat the word, spell the word, and then repeat the word again. Get it right and you take your seat and wait for the next round – get it wrong and you were to go sit on the steps at the front of the stage. The stage had literally been set - and the first competitor was called. Chase was number seven.
One-by-one the first six kids approached the microphone and the moderator gave them their words. So far, the words for the first round were really simple… “Goal” “boat” “palm”, etc. – Chase would knock these out of the park! The night before he was spelling words like “gregarious” “assimilation” “investigation” and all sorts of other words that I could hardly pronounce, with total ease. I was feeling much more confident! He was going to nail round one!
“Number seven,” the moderator called. Chase slowly rose to his feet and approached the microphone with his entire universe watching. Rachel and I held our breath for the word while Emma picked her nose. “The word,” the moderator said, “is ‘slave’.” Whew! You have gotta be kidding me! This was like asking Michael Jordan to dribble with his left hand! What a relief! Easy one! Chase put his mouth to the microphone and said in a confident voice, “Slave, S-A-, uhh, wait, S-L-A-V-E, slave.” Alright! High fives all around! Round 1 in the bag…thank you Jesus!
Chase looked to the moderator for easy confirmation before returning to his seat…and in what seemed like Matrix-slow-motion, she paused, put her hand over the microphone and leaned towards the judges table for some kind of discussion. “They must be discussing how they should just move Chase right on through to the finals,” I thought, “They have probably never heard a fourth grader spell ‘slave’ with such confidence and poise.” Then she removed her hand, turned to Chase, and explained, “I’m sorry, but competitors are not allowed to begin spelling the word over again once they start…that spelling is incorrect.” And the world stopped! There was an audible exhale and “awww” from the previously quiet crowd. Chase was visibly devastated. He bowed his head and tapped it against the microphone in defeat. Then he was instructed to take his place on the steps as the first competitor to misspell a word.
With bowed head and slumped shoulders he made what must have seemed to be a 20 mile walk across the stage to the first seat on the steps. Not only did he not get past the first round…he was the first one out of the competition…by misspelling a very easy word. He slumped down on the steps of the stage and looked out into the crowd. He didn’t even look in our direction. It must have seemed like the entire world was looking at him and either laughing or shaking their heads in disappointment. With that he simply put his head in his hands and tried hard not to cry – but it didn’t work – the tears came. As he sat there quietly crying he hardly noticed that competitor number 9 (a sixth grader) made the exact same mistake as Chase and quickly sat next to him. Number 9 was very sweet. He noticed Chase upset and leaned over to console him, telling Chase that he had made the exact same mistake. It didn’t seem to matter. Chase was hurting. And so were we.
You have to understand – this was a big deal to Chase! He doesn’t often get the chance to compete in things like this. Hannah had just done extremely well in a similar competition the week before, and he was anxious to do well too. Heck, he was planning on winning the whole thing! Our hearts were broken for him. I felt like I just got kicked in the stomach. The parental instinct almost took over and I was a moment away from walking up to the stage to pull him to the side to give him a hug and reassure him - to shelter him from this pain and humiliation – but I could do nothing – that would have only embarrassed him more. He had to go through this alone. He had to hurt alone. And I had to watch. It was a terrible feeling.
One-by-one the remaining competitors approached the microphone, and one-by-one they either returned to their seats or joined the group on the steps. Chase listened and we listened to competitor after competitor misspell words that Chase could spell backwards and forwards with little effort. I started rehearsing my “Dad speech” in my head – thinking of all the things I would say to him to put this in the proper perspective and make him feel better. “Its an honor just to be in the competition…you were just nervous…next year you will do better because you will know what to expect…several kids made the same mistake you did…number 9 did the same thing and he’s a sixth grader.” But as I watched him it became clear to me that no matter what eloquent words I would be able to muster – this was going to hurt him for a while. And in that moment, I must admit, I was a little angry with God. “Would it really have been that big a deal for God to grant that simple prayer” I thought? “I mean, COME ON…he’s a kid…at least let him get out of the first round!” “At least don’t let him be the FIRST ONE OUT!” This dialogue went on and on in my head for several minutes and even as I sat to write this I was still a little angry.
However, several hours later, after I have become quiet, I can hear God whispering. I don’t know how or why God works the way He does in our lives. I sometimes wish I did. I know there are people out there with real pain and with real questions – I have them often myself. But there is no single magical scripture that takes away all of our pain or completely explains our circumstance – whether it’s a spelling bee, emotional pain, health needs, or any other trial in our lives– God doesn’t promise us an explanation for every hurt and disappointment. He just doesn’t. In His wisdom, that’s the way He wants it. He also doesn’t promise us that our lives will be without pain. However, He does promise in these situations that He loves us (1 John 4:19), He will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5), and that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him”(Romans 8:28). How much more can we really ask for?
I can look back on my life and see where He has been faithful to those promises time and time again. I can reflect on times when it seemed like I had it all figured out and He, in His divine wisdom, had a different plan. Sometimes when my plans didn’t match His and He chose to move my life in a different direction the immediate result was painful - sometimes humiliating. But in hindsight, He was always right and always right on time in my life. I can now see where He was pruning me for something bigger with those experiences – perhaps preparing me to help someone else cope with a similar circumstance, or just allowing me to grow. Sometimes, He was lovingly disciplining me. And with growth and discipline, sometimes comes pain. But that pain is nothing compared to the pain that it took to ransom me from my sinful nature. I sat there and watched Chase in pain and could do nothing and it was killing me. In retrospect, it offers me some slight insight. The pain I felt today watching Chase suffer is an insignificant, microscopic fraction of the terrible pain God must have felt watching his own Son suffer - on a cross for an undeserving and ungrateful people - for me.
Towards the end of the competition Chase began to sit up straighter and observe. He stopped crying and surely felt comfort in knowing that he was not alone – there is, after all, only one winner in a spelling bee. I find that I take comfort in that same idea when I face trouble in my life. If I can just force myself to trust God and to look up from my pain and self-pity long enough I will see that I’m not alone – He is always there! And He has blessed me with the lives of people who care for me, and I know that they are always there for me too – no matter what. And I can be confident that He will always give me the strength I need to just keep going – to just take that next step – sometimes that’s all we can do.
After the winner was crowned and the spelling bee was over I got to give Chase the hug I wanted to rush the stage to give him earlier – and yes, I got to give him the “Dad speech” I had rehearsed. But outside of being disappointed and embarrassed he was already bouncing back. He’s a resilient kid! He was still hurting, and he may for a while, but I could see his smile beyond the pain a bit.
I don’t know what lessons God has in store for Chase during his life and what He will teach Chase from this experience. I could make some pretty good guesses. But there’s something else I have to come to grips with – and that’s the fact that Chase isn’t mine any longer - he’s a child of God. I pray that God will give me a long life with Chase and bless me with opportunities to guide him throughout days like today, but I also have to realize that God has a plan for Chase – and sometimes, I must tearfully learn to get out of the way. That’s a hard, hard lesson for me. But at the same time comforting to know that the same God who has taken such wise and great care of me in my life is doing the same with my son – in His time and in His place.
Who knew a Spelling Bee could be so educational? Chase was the one on stage today, but we both learned some valuable lessons.
1 comment:
thanks for your words...we sure do miss you guys and wish we could've been at the spelling bee. i'm glad you started your blog, i need to get back on mine and update it. i look foward to reading yours. tell the fam hello. we love you guys.
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